This Girls Journey

tweedledee and tweedledum

Hello all, my apologies for the lateness of this long awaited post. I have not been feeling much like writing, and have been trying not to think much about the process. But here we go. I had my Embryo Transfer this past Sunday. All went well, and 7 eggs fertilized successfully. 2 were transferred and 2 ended up being frozen. The other 3 had an ok quality but they were not stellar.

The actual transfer was an interesting experience. I ended up in the same recovery room as I had the for my first ER, and also the same black doctor that was mentioned in my first ER post. Of course she remembered me as I made very inappropriate but funny comments thus making quite the impression. It really felt like the experience was coming full circle which hopefully meant this would be the last ET for me. I have been trying not to think about it too much as the 2 week wait is the most dreaded and stressful period of time for any woman going through fertility treatments. I have 4 1/2 days down, and 9 1/2 to go. Hopefully I will resist the temptation to POAS (pee on a stick), but knowing me, I probably will. I am extremely impatient. Everyone who knows me knows that I want what I want when I want it, and right now I'm dying to know if this cycle actually worked.

Again, we have named our little embryo's. So, I introduce to you Tweedledee (left), and Tweedledum (right). We named the right one Tweedledum because it looks a bit junky and slow. We have to find ways to keep ourselves amused about all of this, so naming our little cells is how we find joy.

ivf'ing

Here it is.. I'm IVF'ing again... Yes. I've turned IVF into a verb. It should be a verb.

IVFing (v.)- The process of going crazy trying to have a baby.
Here it is in a sentence. Since I am unable to have children on my own, I am forced to go through this IVFing procedure once again.

Here is it. This is a calendar with estimated dates of this IVF cycle. Hopefully all goes well and I won't have to have a repeat performance later on.

on the road again...

Yesterday we met with the RE to discuss the next step. It seems that because I only had 6 out of 16 eggs mature enough to fertilize, and I didn't get pregnant. RE noticed that the reason is because over half of my eggs were not mature enough, and 1 was too mature. If not mature enough, it will not fertilize at all. So, IVF #2 will be slightly different. Here are the main differences.

• No Lupron- Yay!!! That sh*t gave me a serious headache that stuck around FOREVER. (pardron my French, but those were the worst headaches that I have ever had in my life)
• Birth control pills for 20 days. :'( sad face. I always feel like this is the exact opposite direction than I want to be going in. But I think that she has a reason. Of course she said what it was, I just don't remember.
• 1 extra hour will be added between trigger shot and ER thus allowing eggs to mature a little more before the doc's go in and get them.
• Everything else will go the same except, apparently she believes that my embryo's need to be hatched.

I'm really hoping that IVF#2 actually works, which would result in a BABY. which really is the whole point. I never thought that I would actually do all of this in an effort to have a baby. There was a moment in my life when I didn't like children. I thought they were annoying. Oh wait... I still think that depending on the child. But mostly it's the parents of those annoying children that I don't like. Not the children. No bad children. Only bad parents. I love that saying. Of course there are some children who were born evil. But mostly, it's the parents that mess them up.

 

So in the next few weeks I will be on the road again. On the long sometimes rocky journey to motherhood.

1242 days or 3 years, 4 months, 25 days

1242 days ago I got married. It has been 3 years, 4 months, and 25 days since I have been trying to get pregnant. Part of me isn't that surprised that IVF #1 didn't work, seeing as how IUI's 1-3 didn't work either. But unfortunately, I'm a born pessimist. What can go wrong will go wrong. And me not getting pregnant is what went wrong this time. I guess I should be used to it, but I'm not. Every time it hurts. Every time I calculate what could potentially be my babies birthday, I get disappointed, because it just doesn't happen.

I am currently using this cycle to "rest" my body, and IVF #2 will be sometime at the end of April or early May. Based on my calculations, it seems that 2008 will not be the year for me. Perhaps 2009, or at this rate never. Another year without baby. Another birthday without being pregnant (I'll be 29 in April), another holiday season without my complete family. There will be no baby ornaments, no babies first Xmas (if we go the whole ridiculously expensive children's xmas present route which is not part of my current plan), and another new year without a baby.

Wouldn't it be nice to be able to call to EPT, Clear Blue Easy, First Response, and the rest of them and ask for your money back for all of the Ovulation Predictor kits, and Pregnancy tests that have been bought, peed on and thrown away? I wish I could call and say, "Hi, my name is Dana, and your test has screwed me yet again and I would like a refund." Ok... perhaps it isn't the test that has screwed me, but it's nice putting the blame on someone else. In this case the multi billion dollar companies that are making money off of those that need extra help in tracking when we are ovulating, and those who would like to find out up to five days earlier if they are indeed with child because they have been trying for years to get pregnant and can't wait another day to find out.

On a good note, hubby and I are going to Maine tomorrow, and I am very excited. We definitely need this break from thinking about babies, talking to pregnant people, seeing pregnant people, seeing people with 10 billion children running around, people asking us when we are going to have children, etc, etc, etc. Ok maybe it's not realistic to think we won't see any pregnant people, people with babies, or whatever. I'm sure we will see some. I will try to block them out, and not think about them, because I am pretty positive that they aren't thinking about me.

Ok... I wrote an entire post without using the word 'random.' My friend pointed out to me that I use this word a lot. Which is very true. It's a symptom of working with college aged adults (CHILDREN) and is no fault of my own.

good friday? (doubtful)

I don't feel like saying much, except that today was everything but a "good friday." Period came. Went to doctor for blood test, and there are officially no nuts in the house.

yes we can!

10 more days till I find out. Can't wait. Counting down. Suspense is killing me. I hate waiting. I am THE most impatient person ever. I don't like to wait for things to happen. They need to just happen. I just hope that Walnut and Cashew are holding on for dear life. I find myself talking to them in encouragement. "You can do it!" Kind of like Barack Obama's "Yes We Can" video.

While I was looking for the link to the video, I came across another Obama video "We Are The Ones" with a bunch of famous folk. Ok. I"m not going to preach politics, but if super sexy Obama can get this far and potentially be our first black president, then my little nuts need to just hold on and fight too. Yes we can!

2 nuts in the house

So, out of 4 fertilized embryo's 2 made it to the womb, and hopefully they attach. At least one. As inhospitable as my uterus is, I hope that my uterine lining is working with me and has decided to pull out the red carpet. I think I'm pretty warm when people come to visit. I like to offer something to drink (i.e. water, tea, etc), a nice comfy place to sit, and perhaps some entertainment which would be Laila (doggie) running around trying to score some loving, so I hope that my uterus would do the same.

So hubby and I have decided to name the two embies after nuts. Baby (embryo) A is Baby Cashew (left side)  and B is Baby Walnut (right side). We chose Walnut especially because he's so round and plump. Kinda like a walnut. They are so cute. I know this sounds crazy, but they really are. They look so smart, like they already know what they're goal is and how to do it. I hope so anyways.

The whole procedure took about 10 minutes from start to finish, including a nice warm blanket fresh out of the hospital issued microwave thingy. The best part was that hubby was with me and he had the opportunity to see via ultra sound those 2 crazy nuts go from 'test tube' to their home for hopefully the next 9-10 months. He says that it almost looked like a puff of air. Very cool. I wish I could have seen it, but those damn stirrups that my legs were in were blocking my view. Most comfortable stirrups I have ever had the pleasure of meeting by the way. They were VERY old school. Not they type that just the heels of your feet go into, but they had chains and a hanging contraption that your feet kinda just fit into. Strange but true (shrug). You kind of have to imagine it. Maybe I'll draw a pic and scan it. That would have to be another day though.

Just a little more info about the quality of these two nuts. The one of the left has 7 cells which is ok but not super fantastic, and the one on the right has 8 cells which is fantabulous. Just a little extra info.

show me the $$

So, today my sister asked me who pays for all of this. This being all of my infertility treatments. Well, my insurance pays for it all... Massachusetts is one of the few states in the country were it is mandated by law that insurance company's cover their members IF treatments. Which I think is only fair considering they will pay for someone to give birth to a baby. Why not help them concieve one? It only makes sense to me. When I lived in MD (which is another state that is supposed to cover IF), I actually worked in DC, which is a state that is not required, and the only thing that was covered by my company was IUI. So I could basically have a billion IUI's, but no IVF. IUI does not work for everyone, and sometimes IVF is the only option. My current insurance plan in Mass cover's pretty much an unlimited amount of IF treatments. Which is awesome considering one round of IVF could be upwards of $10,000 bucks if not more.

Please click here  if you would like to see if your state is required to cover IF treatments. If your state is not listed, I would suggest that you check with your current insurance company and also your employer. I have heard of people asking their employers and actually getting things covered that were not previously offered. Ya never know.

4 eggs in a basket

I just received a call from the nurse at my Dr's office. Out of 16 eggs only 4 fertilized. Hopefully they still look good on Sunday. 3 out of my 16 eggs were "too mature" and 3 weren't mature enough.

So, nurse said something that kinda creeped me out. Apparently my husbands sperm were attacking several of my eggs. Like... 10 sperm attacking and trying to attach themselves to 1 poor little defenseless egg. The picture in my head is super duper creepy. "What does this mean?" I asked, but of course nurse couldn't explain and I found myself not knowing exactly how to articulate my question to get the answer that I want and need.

glossary

So my very good friend Brandie @ Out and About in Africa suggested that I add a glossary for those who may not know what some of these infertility terms and abbreviations mean. Good idea Brandie. Thanks! So my new glossary has been added with links to other pages that have full descriptions of IF (he he) terms and procedures. I hope this is helpful.